disappearingnaughts

In Need Of Reconstruction.

Read today on the "Slate" website that most of the billions of dollars poured into Afganistan for reconstruction is being channeled to the Taliban as protection money.  So the troops being killed are being shot or blown up with weapons brought with American dollars.  One contractor pays the Taliban $850 per truck to stop attacks on a convoy...The Taliban are making millions out of protection rackets and heroin, according to the Slate's correspondent, while the much needed infrastructure is failing.

   I hear that Downing Street put its collective foot in it when Gordon Brown announced that Barak Obama would make a decision to send more American troops to Afganistan "within days."  The White House reply was swift saying the final decision would take weeks...Brown has pledged to sent an extra thousand troops to Afganstan as long as the Americans decide first, and with Obama procrastinating , if not dithering over whether or not to send in more troops, Brown cannot but to be percieved as dithering himself. 

   To see him today making a speech in London it was to look upon a condenmed man spending his last hours in the political arena, greying hair, ashen faced, that haggard rumpled look, and that fading presence of a man surrounded on all sides and not trusted by the voters.

   In fact no politician is trusted by the British public, indeed, as I've noted before, under all that "apathy" people resent politicians and scoff at the political process as an incestuous game played by basically corrupt people who, once in power, ignore their supporters and voters as they blindly strive for personal power.  The electorate feel used and abused by these political shysters.  I believe things have gone so far down at grassroots level that it will take years, or a very special man or woman, to restore the public's faith in Parliament as it's so badly damaged.  Everyone wants change but to turn to what? Extremism?  The political Left or Right?  One issue candidates?  Or out of fearful loyalty grab hold of what's known...Labour, Conservative or Liberal-Democrat.  We live in a very fearful society steadily distroyed over the last thirty years by politicians and the political process, market forces, and a system without hardly any checks, balences, or tough enough economic regulation, both nationally and internationally.

Off The Beaten Track.

Today I went out with Rupert, my outreach worker, in his 7 series BMW finding and looking at potential council sheltered accomodation.  We located our first block of flats in Old Coulsdon, near the top of the hill, off a quiet side road which lead into an even quieter cul-de-sac.  We spoke with the warden and she suggested other sheltered housing schemes.  It was a good atmosphere in the place...The second block of flats we looked at was again down a side road way off the beaten track, but just looking at the exterior and neat gardens I felt it was a superior place.  It was.  Inside there was a clean calmness about the place, its just been renovated, and the warden was better...We looked at another scheme from the outside nearer to the town centre which was that much niosier.

Rupert dropped me back home and went on his way.  Next week sometime I've got to view a few other sheltered housing schemes, order them into a priority, and get on the council housing list.  But at least its a start.

   I appreciated spending a few hours out and about being driven around the "posher" parts of town.  Its strange to feel rain again.

   I spent the afternoon and evening on the computer on Twitter and YouTube.  Had roast neck fillet of lamb for dinner washed down with a mineral water...Felt sleepy but never went to bed.  Stayed up manfully at the PC and will watch "Newsnight" on BBC 2 before retiring to bed.

Everything He Touches Turns To Shit...

Probably should not start this post as time is against me.  Under pressure.

   Gordon Brown is now being hounded by the Sun newspaper, whether he's trying his best or not, as today there's an exclusive in the paper of a telephone conversation between Brown and a grieving mother of a soldier killed in Afganistan.  She accused Brown of insulting her and the memory of her son by spelling his name wrong in a hand-written letter of condolense, plus 25 spelling mistakes, all scribbled down in Brown's illegable handwriting.  During the 13 minute phone conversation, taped by the Sun (?), Brown was taken-aback from the start trying to apologise over and over as the grieving mother laid into him...The whole thing was a disaster and whoever advised him to call her directly ought to be kicked up the arse.  Today, at his monthly press conference in Downing Street, he got battered again by the news media as he did not seem to be apologetic enough, and as he stood there he looked like "damaged goods", drawn and haggard. 

   Its painful common knowledge that Gordon Brown is a liabilty as far as the Labour Party is concerned as everything he touches is turning to shit.  No wonder David Milliband, our Forgein Secretary, has repeatedly turned down the job of European Representative On High so he'll be in a position to suceed Brown before or after the General Election in May next year.  He's on the Death Watch and smelling blood like one or two other Cabinet members, they circle him like voltures waiting for the final gasp of a politically crippled man.

   Or am I being a bit of a Romantic in my old age?   

 

Moody Posting.

Probably going to be an abrupt moody posting as I've struggled most of the day with this damn computer.  I knew it'd go wrong that's why I felt so sleepy this morning as I couldn't face trying to fix it and the money I'd pay out talking to technicians on the phone getting advice.  But reality is reality so this afternoon I began the process with the objective if fixing the fucking thing.  Now 6 hours later I'm no further forward than I was at the beginning.

   Then this morning I recieved a letter that stressed me out...And this afternoon I got more stressed out, not only over the computer, but there's pressure been put on me to move into sheltered accomodation, and I've been dragging my heels as I love this flat I'm living in.  I've done 7 moves in 20 years and each one I hated the accomodation, the nieghbours, and the surrounding area.  So there was little emotional attachment to those places that yearned to get away from.  But now this place is home, I have good nieghbours, and the surrounding area is reletively quiet.  Its a place where at long last I put down some roots, invested both time and money in it, and the prospect of giving all this up after nearly 11 years is tugging at my heart.

   I fear moving into smaller accomodation, having nosey nieghbours, and being "trapped" there for years rotting away.

   BUT!

   ...All that is based on when I'm feeling OK and my mood swings are not that great, as I do right now, and not when I get suicidally depressed, or my diabetes goes out of whack, and if I start having my falls again.  Then I will need what sheltered accomodation gives me, a warden, safety pull cords, and probably better treatment from the local doctors. Whatever, I've made up my mind to move away from this my home...however reluctantly.

   Feel tired again...

Strange, Really...

God, the 'net is SLOW this evening, like a slug on valium!

   I watched "Soccer AM" on Sky Sports this morning and even though it was soccer crazy it was too young at heart for this grumpy old man.  If I was clubbing it I might understand the music and groups a bit better and the duff gags and banter, but sat there and then impatiently grabbed the remote and channel-hopped in frustration.  Tired of that I gave in and turned on my PC...

   Spent many hours sorting out my YouTube channel and downloading my favourites...which only revealed what an anorak and geek I am, and have been.  The main portion of my favourites were devoted to, well, trains, railroads, locomotives, and yes I was one of those who stood at the end of the platform scribbling down loco numbers.   And like a mad accountant I'd hurtle around the UK chasing loco's whose number I hadn't got.  Been to Doncaster too many times to watch trains, the wilds of both Lincolnshire and Scotland, remote railway junctions and train depots.  Warrington Bank Quay station was another place I'd turn up at having got a train from Euston London for the day. 

   Railways played a large part in my childhood as I was brought up in a council flat that overlooked a train depot in Wimbledon...There's more to SW19 than tennis, strawberries & cream.  Those were the 1950s when steam still ruled and diesel loco's were eyed with scepticism. 

   At night I'd fall asleep to thundering express trains, rattling goods trains, and the squeal and sparks of the electric train depot.  Sounds romantic and far away but it was dirty, niosey and non-stop 24/7.  I was both fasinated and scared of trains, the "live" rail, and that all that danger was literally 20 foot away.  It kind of hypnotised me and repelled me at the same time.  So from a local bridge, like most boys do, especially if they lived near the railway, I began trainspotting and I absorbed all the details and classes of locomotives, from the humble shunter to the express loco's. 

   So an interest in trains has been there, mostly buried away, since childhood...So has an interest in car mechanics, engineering theory, and race engines.  When I wasn't watching trains I'd be in the local library engrossed in books, especially ones on mechanical theory and the history of naval battles.  Then it was car design and styling...I'd skip school and hide away in the local libraries.  I loved learning, but hated school.  Today, nearly 50 years later, I still read car magazines and those expensives ones that give you all the latest trends in race engine design.

   Space and the Universe was another childhood obsession that stretched my curious mind and as a boy brought me face-to-face with mortality, mine and others, as I began to realise the vastness of the Universe, the distances involved, not only that I was bound to die one day, but how small human life is.  A mere flicker in Universal time, if that, and there was humankind trying to get rid of itself with wars and nuclear weapons.  It created an anxiety in me that I had for years and being from the social background I was from I was not expected to contemplate such things let alone be able to share it.  And if you looked at my bookmarks today there's a smattering of sites devoted to the subject. 

   I was isolated and alienated as a kid and knew I used my mind differently than the boys and girls around me and often I would feel that crippling soul deep lonliness...and thats what drove me to seek peace and space in cemetraries, that and I grew up next to one.  They held no fear for me as they did for others who were scared of the dead.  When I skipped school cemetaries were another place I hid in knowing that few if any would look for me there.  I watched the gravediggers dig the holes, the funeral put the body to rest, and more importantly became aware of the season's gradually changing and the magestic power of Nature.  Having gone into a cemetrary really pissed of and down I could emerge, phoenix like, very happy as I had witnessed a power much greater than myself.

   I also played street football and cricket...being a typical boy. 

Bonfire Night.

Frustrating day today, especially when it came down to installing internet software, nothing was downloading on to PC...Ugh!!  After hours of chatting to both AVG and McAfee technicians, trying this and that out, I think I know what has happened: conflicting programmes.  I'll sort it out (hopefully) tomorrow morning.

   To ease my frustration I made the complaint about my doctor not coming out to me official, which will be carried forward by a lawyer from the patients association.  (Hopefully it will also carry a complaint about the chemist who has yet again failed to get my medication delivered).

   Luckily, both Don and Jim phoned today so I was able to share my shit, as they say, and get rid of it.

   I've missed a few days when it came to posting on this blog but I had other things on, like visitors and watching CHELSEA on TV.  I'm not going to be a slave to the damn blog, never have been and never will.  Its a thing to relax to, unfurl the words and breathe out.

   Final note.  For Bonfire Night things are very quiet around here -suspiciously so- maybe the nieghbours are stockpiling their fireworks for the weekend...Or Dwahli, Christmas, or even the New Year.  Guy Fawkes would be turning in his grave!

Desperate Times.

Failed to wake up once the carer had gone and dozed in the chair for a few hours in front of the TV.  I missed most of the Abu Dabi Grand Prix, the first one at that brand new curcuit, but then GP racing has lost its glamour and aggression and can resemble a 200mph traffic jam.  MotoGP is far more competitive with closer racing and no restrictions on engine development.  Valentino Rossi won his 9th MotoGP world title this year.

   Sat at my computer after lunch and woke myself up with energy drinks (which I'm not supposed to have because I'm diabetic and they are fill of caffiene and glucose).  YouTube was "wonky", as they say, and would not operate properly.  No doubt over loaded.  So I went on Twitter, Facebook, and read the papers online...Most carried stories that Tony Blair is doubtful for the President of Europe slot as both Germany & France don't want him, but they seem to was our current Foriegn Minister, David Milliband, as envoy and Foriegn Minister for Europe which holds more power and influence than being President.  At the moment Milliband is saying in public that he's not interested in the job.

   One headline says that Milliband is jumping the sinking ship of the Labour Party, should he accept the European job, and, renouncing his Lordly title, Peter Mandelson, will contest Milliband's seat in the ensuing by-election.  Ironically most political commentators say once Gordon Brown loses the general election next year and is forced by the Party to stand down this would leave the way open for Mandelson to become Party leader.  Three times down and not out for Mandelson.

   Its hard to imagine what Prime Ministers Questions would be like with Cameron and Mandelson face-to-face over the Dispatch Box...That's if the Labour Party picks him as leader, or that he gains and contests Milliband's seat in a by-election.

   The traditional Labour vote has become exiled and resentful and don't trust politicians so they are not 100% certain to first of all turn out and then vote Labour, many thousands may stay away in protest, so the certainty of a Mandelson shoo-in is not reliable anymore.  Even in rock solid Northern traditionally Labour seats which could lead to a rise in fringe party's which offer a change from "Westminster Village" insular politics.  And bundled in with all that is the twisted saga of MP's wages and expenses which tarnishes three main Party's with the same twisted dealings...There is massive public resentment towards most MP's, proven corrupt or not, which, in these desperate times, often leads to the rise of political extremes on both side of the political spectrum.  And the more traditional politics is percieved to be buckled & bent, if not corrupt and incestuous, a closed gentlemans club, the more the political extremes will become entrenched.

   British society, still living in the foul shadow of Thatcherism, has been pulled apart not only by politics but the economics of the free market which has lead to the near collapse of capitolism, thieving and corrupt bankers on million plus bonuses, and the gap between rich and poor a yawning chasm.  Unemployment worldwide rises and demolishes class barriers as "safe" white collar jobs inflate the numbers.  It will take generations to recover properly from this economic global Depression.

   I think the scars in British society run so bloody deep that they have been etched on the collective mind and worse still maybe its beyond an answer.  You can throw all kind of words and terminology at it, even laws & policies, but millions are hurting like hell as social order, the moral order, has become so much scrap...and hope fades away.

Soccer Saturday.

Dad spent friday in hospital having his pacemaker fitted and today he says he's a bit sore but recovering which is good news.  He can't drive his car for a week, not lift his left arm above his shoulder, and was advised to take it easy.  He also said that he's sleeping a lot, probably due to the sub-conscious worrying he's done over the last few weeks...Not that he'd admit it.

    He's been sleepy and so have I.  After the carer left this morning I sat down and dozed off in front of the TV, and then woke up checked my emails and tired lay on the bed for an hour or so  until the Arsenal-Spurs derby game came on Sky Sports.  The match wasn't THAT great even if Arsenal won 3-0 over the Old Enemy of North London.  Then drifting in and out of sleep I listened to reports and the final result on Sky's saturday afternoon football programme.  Then still drifting in and out of sleep I watched the Manchester Utd-Blackburn match on a new-ish (American owned) sports channel ESPN.  United played like muppets in the first half against a weaker team, they had all the possesion and pushed Blackburn back and back yet couldn't score a goal.  The second half was slightly better...Some say that United boss, Alex Ferguson, deep down doesn't rate this years team compared to the past.  The team & boss miss Ronaldo whose transfered months ago to Real Madrid.  Meanwhile, one match at a time, CHELSEA are carving out victories.

   CHELSEA apparently cruised through the away match with Bolton winning 4-0 in the process.  This win was significant in that we may be very strong at home but we can wobble away from home, so this confident victory marks a new start for the Team.  And they need it as we play away to Athletico Madrid wednesday in the Champions Cup (7.45pm kick-off on Sky Sports).  Its inspiring to see the Team play as a cohesive happy unit who play for each other.  No wonder the boss is all smiles!

   I must Google when BBC TV's "Match of the Day" comes on and watch the match.

Methane Gas.

Today was an average day as I sat at this computer hour after hour, hardly saw anyone except for the carer, and made a couple of phone calls.  Pretty dull, eh?  But, at least, via Twitter, I found out that the average human puts about a half a litre of methane gas a day in farts.  (There's something to contemplate)...

   And remember, women don't fart.

   I sent another email today to the CAB, the citizens advice charity, trying to enlist their help in me making a complaint about my doctors poor service.  Yesterday I emailed the same thing to PALS, the patients association, and will probably hear from them tomorrow or early next week...Recieved a call back from the Bipolar Disorder research group based in Cardiff, Wales, who want to interview me as a sufferer of bipolar disorder.  I have had simular interviews done over the years along with giving blood samples and having DNA swabs done.  That was for the Institute of Psychiatry, Denmark Hill, London.

   As I said to the researcher I'll do anything to throw more light on to such a devistating illness.

   My meal from meals-on-wheels was not for me as it was beef cooked in beer, and being alcoholic I threw it all away, which left me to cook dinner tonight which was small fishcakes & very thick oven chips with tomato ketchup.  Maybe not the most complicated of meals as it all came out the freezer and went in the oven but it filled a hole.

   Early tomorrow morning Dad has to go into hospital to have his pacemaker fitted.  Bern, my brother, is giving him a lift there and I think Jacky, my sister-in-law, is picking him up late afternoon.  Everything should go well as fitting pacemakers is a routine procedure.

   Looking forwards to having some quality deep sleep tonight...I'm already half asleep.

Bastards!

Just reading about the top ten tips for bloggers which had a corperate marketing slant to it...as if all we bloggers were desperate 30 somethings chasing the dollar.  It just proved to me once again how Americanised the internet is, even in the quiet pursuit of blogging.  But I'm showing my age as even on YouTube I turn the music down and chase after British videos...

   I had a good day because at long last I had the chance to assert myself and finally get a doctor around here to see me.  During our conversation, which she tried turning into telephone consultation, I twisted it back to the fact that examinations can't be done over the phone and in not making home visits they were not doing what they are paid well for.  They pick up a hefty six figure salary and resist leaving the surgery and doing whats expected of them.  Bastards!

   But I felt good about myself as I remained strong but calm & never resorted to cursing them.

   A few other things went well today which pleased me and another bonus was that today was a crisp sunny Autunm day here in London.  I spent all day on this computer Googling away trying to stay off those sites that trigger obsessive viewing, but I failed miserably and was sucked into a hole of my own making.  But I'm a consenting adult and pay the power bill that feeds this computer and which feeds my obsessive "blindness."

    During all this, even though I read and shared back on Twitter, I can't recall what todays news was, except for an article about Barak Obama's speech last night which was on climate change and the up-coming summit in Copenhagen...There's arguments over who's paying up to finance Third World countries and their problems with pollution.  We British have already set aside millions of pounds in aid.

   One of those tips for bloggers was a suggestion that you keep posts to 250 words & I think I'm somewhere near it.